This is a deviation from poetry and is a step out into unfiltered vulnerability. In order to begin my Journey of Speaking, I must first take off all the insulation and allow myself to stretch beyond...
When I was in highschool, I use to sit
in my dark depressing room and think my dark depressing thoughts. I
would sit infront of the mirror with my face real close to it's
surface. I would just sit there and look at my reflection, looking
deep down into my own eyes. There is power in the eyes. You can't
hide from your own gaze. Every thought and feeling you hold true
about yourself is revealed in your eyes. What I saw there was pain,
an agony deeply rooted; loathing, the kind that sticks to you no
matter how hard you try to rub it off; and rage, a fierce, consuming,
burning rage. And I would sit. And I would look. And I would not turn
away. Locked eye to eye with myself, I did not turn away until I saw
those feelings go cold, go dead, go lifeless in my eyes...all but the
rage. The rage I held tightly to me like a flame to warm the coldest
winter's night. I held it as the only light I had left in the
darkness of my soul. I held it to me so long and so tight, I couldn't
tell where I ended and it began.
At the beginning of this year I
started the process of surrendering that rage. And God has moved
swiftly and mightily. He was just waiting, with bated breath, for me
to utter those words, for me to finally speak to Him once more... It
all started with closing my eyes. I use to refuse to close my eyes in
church when everyone was praying. I would bow my head and fix my gaze
on my lap, out of respect. But I would not close my eyes. To close my
eyes would mean surrender. To close my eyes would mean I had to
soften, and you have to be hard to hold such rage so close to you.
(Closing the eyes, in the physical, causes the brain waves to change.
It decreases the amount of Beta waves and increases the Alpha waves.
Alpha waves are what puts the mind in a state receptive to
instruction, suggestion, and inspiration. It is a state of relaxation
and rest.)
But, back to the eyes... How do we
"see" God? With our eyes. I have gazed in people's eyes
before and seen the eyes of Jesus. That is what I long to see in my
own eyes. But in order to see Him deep down inside of me, I have to
again see the pain and the loathing that I locked away so very long
ago. I have to look it in the eye (literally perhaps) and cast it out
of me, shed the Light on the lie that it is, cut through the darkness
in my own soul. It's harder not to look away when your goal is to
heal and not just deaden or numb.
I tried it today, looking in the
mirror, into my own eyes, and the pain was raw and fresh, and it
tried to pull me into it. But I also saw something else, something
mighty and strong, something determined, someone...Someone Who will
never let me go (and never has). And even though I can't see His Joy
yet or even His Love, I see His Strength in my eyes. That Strength
will keep me from turning away, will keep me locked in His gaze and
will burn away the pain, burn away the loathing, burn up the rage and
leave me filled with the Fire of His Spirit.
There is Power in the
eyes...
