To Come Forth

I am caught in the wave
of these labor pains
the woman I am birthing
is fighting
she's fighting hard to live

doubled over the pain
gripping, crushing
the life I've been gaurding
tenaciously for so long
inside, hidden
locked away in a safe secret place
the life she's fighting to live
hangs in the balance

wave after wave
they hit me
she faints with weakened pulse
exhaustion takes over
us both

nothing else matters
but that she is the one
to come forth
from this battle this fight
as long as she will live
I am at Peace
I have no fear

The waves can drown me
The pain overtake me
They can have my life
all that matters is that she live
I need to know
she will live
and then I will be
at Peace...

I will not be caught
any longer
and she will burst forth
a beautiful creation
shiny and clean and new
able to move forward
to be complete
able to do what I never
could release myself
to do
to be

the woman I am birthing
is fighting
she's fighting hard
for me...


(Isaiah 66:9-14)

The Opening

This Gift

You’ve laid out before me,

Spread out like a banquet feast.

You say that it is for me, You

Are for me.

You offer unto me

This Gift

It is here for me to open

To take it out and claim it

Put it on and to remain

Forever wrapped up in it

This Gift

You’ve laid before me

It is Your Love for them…

Your Love is the Sword You’ve given

Me, the Sword I wield in defense

For them

A fierce and loyal service

For them

Fighting tooth and nail

For them it is all

For them

And for them I give my all

I am theirs and they are mine

Because we are all

Yours.

Spread out, laid out

Like a banquet feast,

This Gift

You offer unto me

You wait so patiently

For me to open, finally

Just open

This Gift

You have for me

Opened, it pours out

It will pour out endlessly

It is Your Love for them

It now belongs

To me

You have given it all to me

And to them I now belong

I give my all to be. This Gift

You’ve laid out

Your Love. Spread out

Like a banquet feast

The Drumbeat Sounds

My tent is stretched tight as a drum

the rain begins to fall

it beats down on me

the drumbeat sounds

the rhythm of His beating heart

Stretched, but held close

within the comfort of His robes

swaddled like a babe

held tight to the chest

resting in His heartbeat

soaking in His warmth

My tent is stretched tight

I grow

from the beating of His heart to flow...

(Isaiah 54:2-3)

This is a deviation from poetry and is a step out into unfiltered vulnerability.  In order to begin my Journey of Speaking, I must first take off all the insulation and allow myself to stretch beyond...

When I was in highschool, I use to sit in my dark depressing room and think my dark depressing thoughts. I would sit infront of the mirror with my face real close to it's surface. I would just sit there and look at my reflection, looking deep down into my own eyes. There is power in the eyes. You can't hide from your own gaze. Every thought and feeling you hold true about yourself is revealed in your eyes. What I saw there was pain, an agony deeply rooted; loathing, the kind that sticks to you no matter how hard you try to rub it off; and rage, a fierce, consuming, burning rage. And I would sit. And I would look. And I would not turn away. Locked eye to eye with myself, I did not turn away until I saw those feelings go cold, go dead, go lifeless in my eyes...all but the rage. The rage I held tightly to me like a flame to warm the coldest winter's night. I held it as the only light I had left in the darkness of my soul. I held it to me so long and so tight, I couldn't tell where I ended and it began.

At the beginning of this year I started the process of surrendering that rage. And God has moved swiftly and mightily. He was just waiting, with bated breath, for me to utter those words, for me to finally speak to Him once more... It all started with closing my eyes. I use to refuse to close my eyes in church when everyone was praying. I would bow my head and fix my gaze on my lap, out of respect. But I would not close my eyes. To close my eyes would mean surrender. To close my eyes would mean I had to soften, and you have to be hard to hold such rage so close to you. (Closing the eyes, in the physical, causes the brain waves to change. It decreases the amount of Beta waves and increases the Alpha waves. Alpha waves are what puts the mind in a state receptive to instruction, suggestion, and inspiration. It is a state of relaxation and rest.)

But, back to the eyes... How do we "see" God? With our eyes. I have gazed in people's eyes before and seen the eyes of Jesus. That is what I long to see in my own eyes. But in order to see Him deep down inside of me, I have to again see the pain and the loathing that I locked away so very long ago. I have to look it in the eye (literally perhaps) and cast it out of me, shed the Light on the lie that it is, cut through the darkness in my own soul. It's harder not to look away when your goal is to heal and not just deaden or numb. 

I tried it today, looking in the mirror, into my own eyes, and the pain was raw and fresh, and it tried to pull me into it. But I also saw something else, something mighty and strong, something determined, someone...Someone Who will never let me go (and never has). And even though I can't see His Joy yet or even His Love, I see His Strength in my eyes. That Strength will keep me from turning away, will keep me locked in His gaze and will burn away the pain, burn away the loathing, burn up the rage and leave me filled with the Fire of His Spirit. 

There is Power in the eyes...

The Cup

bombarded

on all sides

everybody needs a piece

from me

I don't have anything left

to give

I'm being emptied

out

emptied, like a vessel

waiting to be filled

I need to be

filled

It cannot come from me

How much more

will they need?

They all need...

I will be

the vessel

but I need to be

filled from the Cup

that won't run dry

but I

don't know how...

They need and they

need and my heart

bleeds for them

but I can't

fill them up

I am being emptied

This is what I

asked for...

emptied, like a vessel

waiting

to be filled

I don't have anything left

to give

I need...

the Cup

that won't run dry

to drink

my fill, I don't know how

I will be the vessel...

I need to drink my fill

they need

and they need and

my heart bleeds for them

...it cannot come

from me

Can you drink the Cup

that is meant for Me?

Know what it is

you are asking for...

My heart bleeds

for them

I am being emptied

to be filled

to drink my fill

to overflowing

gushing out

on all sides

with all You have

to give

This is what

I ask for...

(Mark 10:35-45)

Yes Lord

on the road

and the light pours

down, on my knees

all I can say,

Yes, Lord!

blinded, so to be

led, taken

to the place where I fall

to my face and torn

from my lips, the vow

Yes, Lord!

given new eyes

so to see

the glory, driven

by the Joy that comes with

Yes, Lord!

all that was in me

transformed

released to the Freedom

the Life in abundance that is

Yes, Lord!

in awe, such Grace

shines

the unveiled face lifted

and the scales fall off

in the Peace of

Yes, Lord!

Yes, Lord!

Yes!

my heart now wide

open...

 (Acts 9:1-19; II Corinthians 3:18; II Corinthians 6:1-13)

Into the Mists

step into

your new flesh...

My Mind

My Word

Became

that which encases

you

step into

the path I always

meant for you

those other paths remain

true, just

not for you

you can only Walk

One Path...

my foot falls

to the ground

I stand within that step

the path before me all

I see; the sound, a single breath

the Vision has narrowed

my gate, channeled the Voice

of my fate, the choice

I make with every

step I take, I walk further

into You

my body light

Your radiance

seeps into my skin

floating in

ecstasy, I shake

and I begin

to move into the mists...

the way before me

obscured

in murky, misty form

I must hold

fast to Your

Sight, Your Vision

hold tight to the glimpses

I am given

a promise that my

heart's desire

unfolds

within Your perfect will

I float into the mists,

drawn further into

You, my body

Light, Your Radiance

shines through

I stand within

that step

and cry out to You

my heart's desire

rests

in the Mind,

the Word,

the flesh made new...

it all rests

in You